Excuse me while I....

..clear my fucking throat.
I've just spent the day with my fucked-up family.

To "celebrate" my grandmother's and mother's, birthday.

This means that in addition to the normal shit-fest that is a gathering with this group of people that I am, genetically speaking, related to, that there is an additional cat factor.

My brother was his normal charming self. His first remark, as he eavesdrops on a conversation between Doug and I, who were playfully fighting, and actually lip-locked for his "Yelling. That's what my sister does best".

Me: "Yes, Chris, because you know me oh, so very, very well. We're practically bosom buddies"

Him: "A leopard doesn't change his spots"

Me: Silence, while mentally screaming "The ONLY FUCKING CAT IN THIS ROOM IS THE FUCKING PUSSY THAT ROLLED THE FUCK OUTTA THERE WHEN I WAS 14, AND NEVER LOOKED THE FUCK BACK, SO STUFF IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS".

Which, totally would have blown the whole "temper? What temper?" point, that I was trying to make.

My mother, in the role of loving peacemaker, looks at me, my pursed lips, and the pulsating vein in my forehead, and says "You can come up with a comeback for that!".

Why yes, yes I can.
Unfortunately, it involves bloodshed.
"It's my mother's birthday, I'm biting my tongue" was my response, forced out between clenched teeth.

This was only the first round, illegal before the sounding of the bell.

Aidan: "Mommy! Let me show you my new trick", proceeds to show me how he places the butter knife like so, and then taps it with the mallet, cracking cleanly through the crab claw.

Me: "Aidan! That's great! The claws are my favorite part also!"

Grandmother to Aidan: "Don't go all the way through the crab leg Aidan, you're doing it wrong. Don't go all the way through, you'll waste that last morsel of meat that is clinging, stubbornly to the disgusting membrane with the crab leg. Don't you know that I paid good money for these crabs? You're doing it wrong. Don't go all the way through the crab leg...." ad nauseum.

Aidan to grandmother: I like to eat them this way. I get both ends out" with a "what the fuck is wrong with you?" bewildered look on his face.

Me: reaches for a drink.

Second bell rings. Aidan wins the first round.

My mother: This week is vacation bible school"

Me: "Aidan has tutoring at 10:30 on Monday and Wednesday."

Mother/martyr: "It's only one week Danielle"

Me: "I'm aware. However, Jen is having her gallbladder out this week, so I'll have Delaney and Emma for her while she recovers"

martyr: "Delaney can go with them"

Me: "Only if I strap 4 week old Emma to the luggage rack on the roof of the van"

martyr: "You asked me to sign them up for VBS, Danielle, so I did. I only did what you asked me to. It's all I can do"

Me: dumbfucked astounded by the fact that this conversation "Danielle, you need to sign them up for VBS this year.

Me: "noncommittal grunt" has been turned into a burning desire for them to go to a church I cannot stand, and learn about a god whom I do not believe in, and/or worship.

Third round

My father: "Dani!

"DANI"

"Yes Dad?"

"DANI!"

"What?

"DAAANNII!"

"WHAT!!!"

"Do you know where LUcien's bathing suit is?"

"no"

Me: "Lucien, did you leave it in the bathroom?"

Lucien: "I don't know"...skips off down the hallway to check.

Father walks halfway down said hallway and again yells "Dani! Do you know where Lucien's bathing suit is?"

"NO! I DON'T KNOW WHERE HIS DAMN SUIT IS! I HAVEN'T WORN IT TODAY!"

This is after repeated conversations such as "Dad, we're out of plates. Do you have anymore?"

him: "I don't know. Go look"

Me: "This isn't my party, though I can see how you might be confused, since I arranged all the food, made both birthday cakes, and the salad. I also, do not live here, have never lived here, and wouldn't have the slightest idea of where you would keep them"

Him: "grunt"

Knockout in the fourth round

Mom: "There is this distance between us, Dani. Are you mad at me?"

Me: "No.

Really"

Mom: "okay"

When, what I should have said was, "Yes, there is. There is distance between us. It's about the size, weight, and diameter of a bible".