They make a cream for that now, don't they?

I've got the fev'a...

baby fever, that is.

How totally fucked up is THAT??

For the first time, in my entire life, I find myself, fiercely desiring a daughter. I've never, ever, before wanted a girl. I always wanted three boys, which, for the record, I have.

I also don't want to spend my entire life raising children. There is more out there, for me, than that. Not to belittle it, it's by far the most important job I'll ever have. But there is more than that, that I want to experience in life. My oldest son is 12.

Twelve. As in, two-thirds of the way towards voting age. My youngest, is six. Right now, by the time I am 45, he will be 20.

Babies scream. Often, and in the middle of the night, no less.

They throw up, poo everywhere (did I mention that all my children are housebroken now?), crawl, then walk, then run, then climb...they'll eat lightbulbs if you're not careful. They wake up early in morning, and you can't exactly sit them in front of Saturday morning cartoons, and tell them to keep it down while you go back to bed.

I have a four-bedroom house. I have three kids. Everyone has their own room...but not if we have another child.

My mother's health sucks.

My father's health sucks.

I will be the primary caregiver for both of them.

The chances of having a girl, after three boys, is probably pretty slim.

I don't want to start over.

I don't want to be pregnant, and have to quit smoking and drinking coffee, and booze, for that matter. I don't want to be tired all the time, and throw up, and go through labor, and risk birth defects, and retardation, and miscarriage, and stillborn babies.

I don't want any of that.

So, how come my arms feel so empty?