I will *NOT* freak out...

...I will NOT freak the fuck out...

oh wait.

I'm making a truly admirable attempt, at least, in my book, not to completely lose my SHIT.

When I was 18, my cousin, Rachel, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She was the only girl cousin I had, and I just adored her. She was only 6 when she was diagnosed, and 7 years, and 2 weeks old, when she died, after an agonizing year of surgeries and treatments. I can honestly say, I've never been the same. At that moment, when my father knocked on my apartment door, and told me that she died, while I was changing from work, to go sit with her, like I did a few times a week, my world view shifted.

No longer, was bad shit, the stuff that happened to other people. Babies die. Kids die. Not just in sudden accidents. They get sick, and die. As in, no doctor, no treatment, no surgery, can prevent it.

I totally, not to put too fine a point on it, lost my SHIT. The weeks afterwards are kind of a blur, in all honesty. I drank, drugged, and cut my way through one of the most horrifying times of my life. Even my club buddies were scared, by how out of control I was. How do you DEAL with something like that? How do you come to terms with that?

Now, fast forward, 11 years later, to the phone call I got from my sister-in-law this morning. My nephew, who is 5 months older than my youngest son, has a lump on his neck. She took him 2 weeks ago, to get it checked out by our pediatrician. He told her to come back in two weeks, if it hadn't gone away. IT could just be from a cold. This morning, is the end of week two. It's almost doubled in size. He has to go for blood work tomorrow, there is a possibility, that it's leukemia, or another childhood cancer.

I hear the words, coming out of her mouth, and suddenly, I'm not a 30 year old mother of 3 kids, with a silly, crazy, happy life, but a scared, 18 year old kid, who just can NOT do this again. I barely survived it the first time. I cannot watch another kid I love DIE. I just don't have it in me. How fucking chicken shit is THAT?

We have no information to work with yet, we'll get results of his blood work on Monday, hopefully. My sister in law, is freaking out, understandably. She's depending on me, to help her through this. I honestly don't know if I can. I'm sitting here, typing this, just barely holding absolute panic at bay. I can barely catch my breath, at the mere suggestion that I walk this road with yet another family member and their beloved child. What the hell am I gonna do, if I actually have to walk it?

I got no answers. Not one.

From a girl, who thinks she knows it all, that's saying something.

just barely. drreid-blockston@cavtel.net