No Lid = Sonic Boom

It's amazing to me, how the little things really do matter.

I've been having a bit of an attitude problem lately. Shocking, of course to those around me, as my even-keeled nature is known for miles around, LOL. I haven't been able to really put my finger on what exactly, has me so tied up in cranky knots.

This morning, I was in a pretty good mood, getting the kids dressed and out the door, to hit the grocery store, leaving Doug behind to nurse a wicked hangover in peace and quiet. Then, I went to fetch my coffee mug, to take with me.

No lid. No where to be found.

Putting away the dishes is the one task I've pretty much managed to farm out to other laborers in my house. However, this means, that finding any sort of gadget, lid, or basically, anything that is not a bowl, plate, or cup, is a 10 minute process. I've been very clear, about my mug, and my lid. I love my coffee. I cannot function without my coffee, and I adore my mug.

I totally lost my SHIT. I ranted, raved, screamed, cursed, and generally threw a gigantic temper tantrum (mark this one down, for when my children begin therapy, I'm sure it will come up). I put the kids in the car, drove 1/2 to the store, realized I was just irrationally angry, turned around, dropped off the children, and took off.

At that moment, I could totally relate to those people that just get in their cars, and roll the fuck OUT.

After driving around for about 1/2 an hour, I think I pinpointed just *what* has been bothering me.

It may sound silly, but something tells me, that any woman, who is either married, or has children, just may be able to relate.

I am a work-at-home-mom. I stay home with my children, while providing day care to two of my friend's children, as well as being a Mary Kay consultant (don't spread that around, you'll ruin my street cred, LOL), run a part-time ebay business, and have been working on some freelance work as well. I'm a really busy gal. I also cook dinner 4 nights a week, as in, homecooked, and hot dogs don't count. Since the New Year, I've been actually doing really well with my time management goals, and the house has not only been relatively mess-free, but clean as well.

If I'm spending more time (well, more effectively spending time, I suppose is a better way to phrase that), I don't think that it is entirely out of the realm of realistic expectations, to have others that, you know, live in this house, to pick up after themselves. Now, by this, I do not mean I expect my 4 year old, to do the dishes, or scrub the floors. I do, however, expect that when people, including the other tall person that lives here, to put their laundry in the hamper, not on the floor, next to the hamper. I expect people to throw their own trash away, put their dirty dishes in the sink, and, if something is on the floor, not to step over it, but rather, to bend over, and pick it up.

Now, this may seem a digression, but bear with me. On Valentine's Day, which I generally think is a crap holiday, since it doesn't seem very special to me, to celebrate love on the same day of the year, as everyone else, I really, really, REALLY, wanted to go to the Visionary Art Museum, one of my favorite places in the world, anyway, for the Post Secret Exhibit, since the creator would also be there, until 6. My wanting to go, had nothing to do with it being Valentine's Day, it just happened to be the only day that the creator would be there. The timing didn't work out. I get that. It's hard to arrange an outing, on a Tuesday, a work and school night, much less, one that has to occur before dinner time.

The thing that bothered me, is that there was absolutely NO effort. None. In looking back, I cannot remember the last time, that someone in this house, made any sort of an effort, to do something, just because *I* wanted it done.

This brings me back to the coffee mug lid, and the housework. I've finally realized, that the reason I've been so tense, cranky, and generally unpleasant to live with for the last two weeks, has a lot to do with the fact, that I just don't feel like *I* matter.

I know my husband loves me. I do. I also know that my children love me. I also realize how incredibly lucky I am, to have such a fantastic family, a solid marriage, and healthy children. It would just be nice, to be reminded, perhaps twice a damn year, that I matter to them. That my needs and desires, at least make the list, occasionally, of things they are willing to think about, and perhaps act upon.

My husband wants to go to Atlantic City for his birthday. Not my thing. Not at ALL. I can't think of just about anything I'd rather do less, besides an colonoscopy. Yet, I've planned a weekend trip for his birthday weekend, arranged the babysitting, talked to our best friends about going with us (they are), and have spent a few hours, researching the different hotels and casinos.

It would never occur to him, to do the same for me. In looking back, Doug has arranged babysitting, twice. That's two times, in eleven years of marriage. The first time, I told him I wanted him to take me on a date, and he had a week to set it up, and find a sitter, and the second, he was horny, so he dropped the kids off at his parents for an hour. I don't want it to seem as if I am inappreciative of these efforts, especially the last one, since I'm always up for child-free nookie, LOL.

I just don't feel as if anyone gives a shit, about things that are important to me, unless I'm yelling, or crying. The thing that is currently, really pissing me off, is that I feel GUILTY about feeling this way! I feel as if perhaps, I'm being unrealistic, and selfish. After all, men are, obviously different than women. I have a husband with a great job, who is a wonderful father, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, really DOES love me.

I just wish that how I felt, and the things that I want, made enough of an imprint, on the people that I love the best, that they would consider them, and occasionally, act upon them. Even if it's just twice a damn year.

Guilt trips, no travel agent required! drreid-blockston@cavtel.net