Absence makes....

you feel like the shittiest friend ever, not fonder.

So, granted, I've had my head up my ass for about a year now, but really pulled the rocks on, overtop the ass, for the last 3 months. I have more than enough self-pity and self-loathing to share with all that are near and dear to me, but instead, chose not to inflict myself upon others, if it could be at all helped.

I started meds about a month ago, feeling better. Not quite right yet (who the hell is, though, for that matter?), but getting there. Maybe. Maybe? Who knows, but it's better than it was.

I know it makes little sense to those that haven't dealt with this kind of thing, but it is disconcertingly easy for me to disconnect. Just shut down, function enough to make it through the day, crack a few snide jokes with the kidlets, and then nothing. There is nothing left over. Feels like someone took a melon baller to my personality. Oh, but left that last, desperate dollop of "holy shit, I just cannot handle feeling this way FOREVER".

So, to those of you, and you all know who you are, whose phone calls I've ducked, messages I have not returned, and generally treated like shit on my shoe, I miss you desperately, I do. There just isn't enough of me to go around, that is healthy and whole, that I can afford to give it to anyone but the boyos, and myself right now, which makes me feel like the shittiest, most self-centered asshole ever, who is a dickhead of a friend, but that's how it is right now.

happy fucking ho-ho-holidays